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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Nerd Girl Watches Action Movies | The Expendables 3

Title: The Expendables 3
Release Date: August 2014
Director: Patrick Hughes
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, and more.
Summary: Barney augments his team with new blood for a personal battle: to take down Conrad Stonebanks, the Expendables co-founder and notorious arms trader who is hell bent on wiping out Barney and every single one of his associates.

I hate action movies.

They’re sexist, populated by paper-thin characters, and recycle the same old vendetta-centric plots over and over.

However, I am in a relationship with a person who loves them, and I often have to drag said person to the movies to watch the latest romantic comedy. In an effort to make our relationship fairer, I’ve decided to watch more action movies.

Maybe we’ll have more to talk about. Maybe I’ll finally manage to convince him how awful the Transformers movie franchise is (cheesy one-liners, shallow characters, basically everything I hate about movies). Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

I started my foray into the world of action movies with The Expendables 3. Here were my thoughts while watching it:
  • This is apparently the third movie in a series. Even if I haven’t seen the first two movies, understanding this thing isn’t going to be a problem. *smug smile*
  • Who are these people? Who were the original members? Was Wesley Snipes in the first two movies? *flees to Google for answers*
  • This movie is so testosterone-filled it’s not even funny.
  • The Expendables 3 is definitely one of those movies that are so bad they’re good. While watching, you get the sense that the writers and the actors know how horrific it is, but they’re having a lot of fun anyway. Ergo, the viewer has a lot of fun as well.
  • This is one beautiful man.
  • Dolph Lundgren is a stone cold fox.
  • Keep the tax evasion jokes coming, Wesley Snipes. Trivia: There’s a scene in the movie where Wesley Snipes’s character is asked why he was imprisoned for eight years, and he says, “Tax evasion.” When I googled what Wesley Snipes has been up to since the last Blade movie came out, I found out that he was actually imprisoned for—wait for it—tax evasion for three years. Cue the moment I realized this movie has a wicked sense of humor.
  • Harrison Ford is here. And he looks old.
  • Jason Statham deserves his own bullet point for still making a character named Lee Christmas look tough. His lines would’ve sounded ridiculous coming from another actor’s mouth, but he made them work. He gave this movie an extra helping of pure sarcasm.
  • The word ‘beefcake’ was probably invented for Sylvester Stallone.
Ronda Rousey did all her stunts for the movie.
  • SPOILER: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a female Expendable member. This makes me obscenely happy for some reason.
  • I thought this movie was supposed to celebrate aging action stars. Why is there a young hot guy here? What sorcery is this? Oh, it’s Kellan Lutz. Wait, what?
  • Okay, is every supposedly strong female character in the movies supposed to tell a man that she can take care of herself? Like it’s not already a given based on the fact that she can beat four grown men into submission with her mere fists?
  • Mel Gibson is so scary in this movie that I can’t even think of the right words describe his performance. He delivered his somewhat lengthy monologue with knife-sharp precision.
  • Antonio Freaking Banderas is so adorable in this movie, reminding me a lot of his stint as Puss in Boots.
  • Ohmygod, they just made fun of Jason Statham’s accent. And Jet Li’s height. I am literally giggling.

You know what? I really liked this movie, which is something I never saw coming. If you’re looking for an action flick that’s funny and won’t require you to think too much, then this is for you. Some of the one-liners fell flat, but most of them will make you laugh out loud. The action scenes ain't bad, either.

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